THE PARIASESSadie JonesHe placed his hand on the cold window. He felt far from himself. He imagined pushing his fist through the jagged hole in the glass and the points of the glass still attached to the wood. He imagined dragging his wrist and arm against them so they would cut him off. He didn't think he would feel it. He imagined sticking his face through the glass and wondered if he would feel all the pieces cutting him. He closed his eyes to stop imagining it, but it was the same, imagining the glass entering him, needing to do it. His heart began to beat faster, pushing cold blood everywhere. He turned away from the window. He realized he had been scratching his arm with his other hand and stopped doing it. There was a sudden silence like the interval between the ticks of a clock, but the next tick never came. He couldn't speak down here; they had to sit in silence. He imagined them sitting opposite each other, staring at each other, without moving. He entered the bathroom, closed the door and locked it. He stood in front of the mirror and looked, and the need to spoil himself took over. All he thought about was hurting himself and how to do it. He picked up his father's razor. It was an old model, the kind you open. He opened the razor and looked at the blade. He knew he wouldn't feel it if she thrust it into himself – but the sight of the blade stopped him for a second. There was a power, the force of the forbidden, and it was fascinating. It was magnificent. His hand rested on the pelvis, holding the razor and he waited. He felt cool and curious, like he could do anything and it didn't matter. He raised his left arm and pulled up the sleeve with his hand holding the razor. He pressed the blade against his skin and immediately, just at the contact of the sharp blade on his skin, his heart raced and the blood rushed back into him. He was out of breath trying to do it. He could feel the need to hurt himself in his mouth, and when he did, he cried with relief. He got a long cut on his forearm and the red line filled with bright blood very quickly and started running..